waiting

This has been such a long season of waiting for me. Waiting for career direction, waiting for real estate client's homes to sell, waiting for the right home to purchase, waiting for the right guy, waiting for the man to deliver our refrigerator, waiting, waiting. I have come to stand on the edge of the abyss in many ways, to the place of "I can't wait any longer, not one more day, why isn't God showing up to give me some clear answers?" and then another day goes by. I found an email that I wrote to several family members in March of 2009, where I know I was at least 6 months in to the place of desperation and asking for their prayers. And now, here I am, two years later, with few answers and more questions. I've gone through many stages and still continue to waver in my faith often and question God's goodness. My youngest brother Philip reminded me last night of the Pharisees asking Jesus if a certain man was born blind because he or his parents sinned? and Jesus reply was, "neither, but that the works of God may be displayed in him". I am slowly praying that God's power and works would be displayed in my life no matter what may happen in my circumstances. I'm so thankful to have such a wonderful family. 


"Whenever Moses held up his hand, Israel prevailed, and whenever he lowered his hand, Amalek prevailed. But Moses’ hands grew weary, so they took a stone and put it under him, and he sat on it, while Aaron and Hur held up his hands, one on one side, and the other on the other side. So his hands were steady until the going down of the sun. And Joshua overwhelmed Amalek and his people with the sword." Exodus 17:11-13

i am the shoe, and God is me?

I live in a city. People here love owning dogs, myself included. We also have small yards in which they do their bidding business. It's not like they can just run around on the farm and find a spot in the yonder wood. This afternoon I came home to let the dog out and ran up the back steps to find a ball. It has rained a good bit this week and is sort of warm and damp on the ground. The exact melting point of, you know, doo doo. I never looked down until it was too late. Eeeeeeeeccckkk!

So, why the post? As I was wiping the bottom of my shoe, which happened to be a Dansko with tons and tons of tiny little cracks and deep crevices, it just seemed to get worse! 6 Clorox wipes later, no change, just a really foul smell. I was wondering if this is somewhat of the way the remnants of my sinful nature seem to God?  Ever so slowly, with what seems like little progress along the way and plenty of nastiness that comes with it, he is working to remove sin and ungodly desires from my life, to change the thoughts and motives of my heart and working to make me more like himself. This morning I was reading a chapter in an amazing book by Paul Tripp & Tim Lane called, "How People Change". The truth that we generally minimize our own sinfulness and maximize everyone else's has a sting to it. My knee jerk response of, "not true", proves the point even more. "Self-righteousness is our own personal defense attorney. We wrap our robes of self-righteousness around us and rise to our own defense." Only when I accept and believe and see my true smelling state, does the gospel become good news for me. The grace, reconciliation, mercy, power, restoration, forgiveness, patience and hope of the gospel are for me.


The culprit

a third grader's career advice

This is a real list, written for me by one of my 3rd grade friends from church. Probably a genius in the making.

 I gave him a glossary of careers that someone let me borrow, and asked him if he could come up with any that weren't in the book for me to consider. I told him I'd give him $5 if he could think of something. Looks like my tab is running up. I actually did need a dictionary for a few also. Among my favorites...Tinker, Cheese Porter, Gondolier and Plough Boy.

the job search monologues

I've been hitting the job search, career path, next opportunity trail... or whatever you want to call it, for about 9 months now. And really, have been trying to make a career transition for 2 1/2 years! I prefer to call it a confusing web of advice, opinions, unsolicited thoughts, stupid comments and the occasional nugget of soundness. Actually, I wouldn't really know if it the nuggets are sound advice either, those just haven't been contradicted yet. Since my journey has begun, here are a few things I've learned, starting with career counselors: "...so you really just want to get married right, isn't that why you don't know what you want to do? If that's the case why don't you put on a bikini and go to the (insert large church with thousands of singles) beach retreat?" Problem solved. I also had someone tell me that my resume needed work, so 40 hours later of having another professional help me, a second career counselor told me it was "too good", and "too entrepreneurial" and that no company would hire me because they'd be afraid I'd leave to start my own business. Problem. Last recruiter told me it needed a good bit of work and about $3,000.

Next we have the "elevator speech", you know, the 30 seconds or less description of yourself and what you are looking for which you offer at weekly round table groups to people who seem as enthusiastic about being there as watching paint dry. I've been told to summarize my accomplishments, I've been told to tell them nothing about myself and only what I can do for them. I've watched You Tube videos of people delivering their versions of a perfect speech and right before they get to the meat, it cuts off and they ask you for 4 payments of $299.99!

I'll admit, my elevator speech needs work, I know that. I don't know what I'm looking for and therefore it usually comes out something like, " Hi, I'm Hannah, I've been in sales for 7 years and before that I lived overseas and worked for a non-profit organization and well...um....I'm not really sure what is next for me but I'm...well... happy to, er be here? (nervous laugh)"

Now insert here the day last week when I expected the watching paint dry people and a skinny as a rail, sharp featured table leader (who was an excellent time keeper) to be nice. She kept us all to exactly 4 minutes and when I wrapped up she said, "That was horrible! That was the worst thing I've ever heard! A prospective employer is going to chew you up and spit you out! And what does it mean to be a "people-person" anyway? That means nothing, we all work with people unless we're meter readers. You're an absolute mess."  And then she went on to the next person. I tried to keep it together and glance around to see what the other 7 women were doing with their faces. I saw a few awkward glances and pity-filled smiles and just tried to keep it together. When it was all over, I went straight to the bathroom and cried. I'm pretty sure it was because she was right. I still have no idea what I'm going to do, or what I really want to do and no one can really help me until I figure that out. I'm waiting for a clue to fall from the sky. Is that bad? Next, a sweet, sweet woman who had been the leader of my group the week before, walked into the bathroom, almost on cue. She told me to come to her break out group, which was Telecommunications, even though I had no experience or interest in the industry. With bulging eyes and a pink trench coat on I followed her to a conference table full of  45-60 year old, mostly white men, all C level executive types, looking to do some serious elevator speeches (uh oh) and some serious networking. They all had Venti Starbucks and tiny smart phones up on the table in front of them and looked like vultures waiting to swoop in on any morsel of a lead thrown out--their time was not to be wasted. I sat in fear and silence as they went around the table and discussed their successes from the previous week, their plans for next week, how many appointments they'd had...and then out of Ms. Barbara's mouth came (in a jovial airport attendant from Planes, Trains and Automobile's voice), "hi fellas, we have a guest today...the morning session was pretty rough on her so let's be nice"...you could hear the eyes rolling and the mental comments, "isn't there a Gap or something where you could work...?" I had no choice but to deliver my failed morning speech.

All in all, it wasn't horrible, but it wasn't good either. The men actually ended up being a bit more compassionate than the women. It was a tough week but I had a good friend remind me that the definition of anxiety is really just imagining a future without God...and that was a convicting and also hopeful reminder. I do imagine my future without God often and yet because I belong to him, that is never going to be! Praise God for that and in that hope of finding him in the future is where I am placing my trust for today.

interior design: test your skills

My friend Kellie (who lives in Asia--where decorating is an entirely different animal) sent me two photos and some questions about a new mirror that she received for Christmas. Which way to hang it? At what height? Any other thoughts related to this design dilemma? I answered but let's test your skills and then I'll tell you what I said.

what color IS my parachute?

If you're not familiar with this book, 9 million other people are, so I'm not sure where you and I have been hiding out. I have tried to read this practical manual for job hunters and career changers, but I'm still hunting and changing. It's a very large book of complex exercises with confusing diagrams, calculations to compile and a giant flower in the middle with lots of petals that are all supposed to represent different things. The drawing used to be a parachute but they changed the design as the book has been reprinted almost every year since 1970.

I still don't have any answers as to what color my parachute is, but after radio silence on the blog for a month, figured it was time to say something. I've been doing a whole lot of thinking about what I like, how I spend my free time, what bogs me down (taxes and recipes with more than 5 ingredients for example...) what energizes and puts an instant smile on my face and creates a higher pitch to my voice. My good friends have always told me that I talk with a higher pitch when I'm talking about something exciting or something that I love, so I figure that's a good place to start. Then last night I had dinner with some friends who told me about a NY Times article they had just read. I loved it! I couldn't agree more with this woman's thinking. "Your receptacles are the death of you", and on baby toys that people keep just "in case" someone comes over with a small child she says, "you're not running a day care center here". Ha Ha. So true Barbara. She might have been a little bit harsh in some areas, but in general she is freeing people's minds by helping them to declutter. I'm all for it. I want this job! 

Abandon All Nostalgia. The Organizer Is Coming Over. -N.Y. Times 

Then, I came home and through a series of random You Tube searches--dangerous-- found myself mesmerized for several hours at the behind the scenes production details of the recent movie, "Black Swan". I want this job too!  Is it so crazy to think that I could go back to school for this kind of work? It sounds crazy to me. But even watching the videos makes my thoughts high pitched. There is something here for me to continue to explore. 

we should go to school on MLK day

Thanks Nicole! ;) Also, loved your postcard!

read this 100 times but never paid attention

I am working for my church part time and was putting together the Power Point presentation yesterday for Sunday's sermon. I'm so glad I had to type this out, because it made me slow down and really think about it...and it's awesome! The Heidelberg Catechism question #1 and #2. I've recited this a thousand times on Sunday mornings, but it happens so fast that it's hard to sink your teeth into. Reading it and taking it in is just an amazing way to start the day.


What is your only comfort in life and in death? 
That I am not my own, but belong body and soul, in life and in death to my faithful Savior, Jesus Christ. Christ has fully paid for all my sins with his precious blood, and has set me free from all the power of the devil. He also watches over me in such a way that not a hair can fall from my head without the will of my Father in heaven; in fact, all things must work together for my salvation. Because I belong to him, Christ, by his Holy Spirit, assures me of eternal life and makes me wholeheartedly willing and ready from now on to live for him.

What must you know to live and die in the joy of this comfort?
Three things: first, how great my sin and misery are; second, how I am set free from all my sins and misery; third, how I am to thank God for such redemption.

The fact that not a hair can fall from our heads unless it is the will of the Father and that in every act there is a focused purpose of those events working together for our salvation sounds amazing...until I'm honest. This truthfully makes me nervous since really I just want it to say that he will make everything turn out the way I want and be comfortable and easy in this life. Why is my heart and mind so fascinated with ease, self and comfort?!  The Bible states that my true comfort is knowing these truths about myself and God. Firstly, how great my sin is, and secondly, how much I have been set free in Christ from it. This is the only way to experience true joy and comfort whether I am very much alive, or feeling like death.

do i trust in the one who has adopted me?

I saw the movie, "The Kite Runner", for the first time tonight. A heartbreaking but redemptive story about a man who goes back to his home country of Afghanistan to rescue his young nephew from slavery and horrific abuse. The little boy is brought back to California with him to a new family, a new life and and instant love and acceptance. As the movie ends he is still very apprehensive about trusting or believing that he will never have to go back to his old life. You can see it so clearly in his eyes. I just kept thinking about how for most of my life as a Christian I have been that boy. Distrusting of my Heavenly Father's love and care for me. Watching the movie I just wanted to somehow let the boy know that he was going to be okay, that he would heal from his abuse and that he would experience such an amazing new life, with so much freedom and joy--if he would just take hold of it.

For we are no longer slaves again to fear, but we are now sons who cry Abba Father. I want to recognize my place as an adopted daughter into the family of God with no fear that God will ever change his mind about me and with no lack of trust in God's perfect love and specific care. Why can I not? Lord I believe, help my unbelief. I need to be reminded of this truth constantly.

Another picture of this came yesterday evening at the airport where I was able to witness the homecoming of a family in my church who just brought back their first adopted child from Uganda. They have two other children and now little Charles Tucker makes three. Watching him enveloped in a sea of white adult faces and kids of all ages with their sticky, sweaty hands patting and rubbing him was overwhelming I'm sure. But to see the joy of his new family was the sweetest part. The delight of being together and making themselves more complete with him there was so moving. There is no hesitation in their eyes, no reconsidering, it is pure delight and love. Adoption is such a profound act of sheer mercy and grace. I'm thankful for this family and the sharing of God's work in and through their lives so that I have another tangible reminder of God's adopting love. Their blog is Love That Passes Knowledge.

finding joy part II

I made reference to a sermon in my last post, but didn't do the greatest job actually explaining what the sermon was all about so here is the link.

 http://www.atlantawestside.org/storage/sermons/the_Christ.mp3