rejoicing when others are flourishing

Someone recently asked me if it was hard to see others' prayers answered in the midst of mine continuing to seem unheard by God? My answer to that question is yes, and no. Yes, if I see myself as the most important person in the world, who has earned all that I have and just hasn't yet done enough for all that I don't.  If I abandon all truth and demand my right to answers in my way and in my timing.

But, as God has his way of being gracious and slow to anger with us, I believe he is teaching me some things about this very topic. It is a really slow process for the light to be shone in the dark corners and closets of my heart. There I have found that I am prone to classify people as either important towards elevating my status and value, or a threat to it. This reaches from people out walking the streets, to one time interactions, to people I have known all my life. It is ugly and not glorifying to God, but it is at the heart of what I can not change about myself, and exactly the heart of God's business to transform. This is where the rubber meets the road in my life as a Christian. I am seeing how this sinful pattern plays itself out in my life in so many ways, and how it causes anxieties, fear, laziness and indifference, lack of love, I could go on. The next layer is how I see God responding to me and others around me, and how I believe his love too is directly proportional to the value that I place on others. For example, something good happens to someone on "important" status, it threatens my position and value. This even plays itself out in comparison of spiritual health & vitality of myself and others. But (cue redemption bell now) as God is moving my heart to simply see this pattern, he is also planting seeds of change towards bearing fruit! Seeds. Slow process. Lots of tending, lots of watering. The fruit of repentance and faith is a changed view of those around me, and of myself. The grace that God offers to give us our life in him and to allow us to flourish is for all of his children, for all those who fear him (trust in) him and call upon his name. The grace and mercy that he gives to one by answering their prayer, is the same grace he offers to us who wait. No less, and no more. It is infinite and deep, and when others flourish, we can rejoice. It is possible, as I am getting a taste. In the end, if I am honest, even when my prayers go unanswered in human terms, there is so much to be thankful for. There is flourishing in the midst of suffering too. A friend recently left this book on my doorstep, so sweet. "One Thousand Gifts" by Ann Voskamp.

what's wrong with settling?

I just found out that the home I'm living in will be foreclosed upon on June 7th, that's a lengthy 3 weeks from tomorrow. This is actually a familiar story for me as just two years ago the house that I was living in was in the same situation. Luckily, we all found places to go and it wasn't that bad. This time around it feels like a cruel joke in the midst of my uncertainty about full time work which has been dragging on for a good 9 months now. This morning while angrily emptying the dishwasher and dropping a few choice words throughout my thought process, it dawned on me--I am desperately seeking to be settled. That is my greatest desire right now, and it has reached idol status in my heart. I feel like it is a right, and most people would happily agree that it isn't a bad thing to want, wouldn't they? But then I started thinking about Jesus. Was he ever settled? Did he have a stable place to call home? I'm pretty sure the Bible says he had no place to lay his head. Is being settled the highest value, or even a value at all in God's Kingdom? I guess not, so now I feel guilty. If this is where I stop then I'm just going to be a miserably guilty Christian who doesn't believe the gospel at all. It will not inform reality and I will probably just move on carrying low grade bitterness and doing other things to numb my feelings and still won't be getting to the real issue. Turning my heart and its worship back toward Christ. I need to confess before God my idolatrous heart's desires and my desire to love the gifts and not the giver, and to seek out ways to hear, know and believe the satisfaction possible in his voice when he calls; and to believe the truth that where he leads is to an abundant life in himself, even when it feels unsettling. 

"The sheep hear his voice and he calls his own sheep by name..the sheep follow him, for they know his voice. I cam that they may have life and have it abundantly. I am the good shepherd. The good shepherd lays down his life for the sheep". John 10: 3,4,10-11

waiting

This has been such a long season of waiting for me. Waiting for career direction, waiting for real estate client's homes to sell, waiting for the right home to purchase, waiting for the right guy, waiting for the man to deliver our refrigerator, waiting, waiting. I have come to stand on the edge of the abyss in many ways, to the place of "I can't wait any longer, not one more day, why isn't God showing up to give me some clear answers?" and then another day goes by. I found an email that I wrote to several family members in March of 2009, where I know I was at least 6 months in to the place of desperation and asking for their prayers. And now, here I am, two years later, with few answers and more questions. I've gone through many stages and still continue to waver in my faith often and question God's goodness. My youngest brother Philip reminded me last night of the Pharisees asking Jesus if a certain man was born blind because he or his parents sinned? and Jesus reply was, "neither, but that the works of God may be displayed in him". I am slowly praying that God's power and works would be displayed in my life no matter what may happen in my circumstances. I'm so thankful to have such a wonderful family. 


"Whenever Moses held up his hand, Israel prevailed, and whenever he lowered his hand, Amalek prevailed. But Moses’ hands grew weary, so they took a stone and put it under him, and he sat on it, while Aaron and Hur held up his hands, one on one side, and the other on the other side. So his hands were steady until the going down of the sun. And Joshua overwhelmed Amalek and his people with the sword." Exodus 17:11-13

read this 100 times but never paid attention

I am working for my church part time and was putting together the Power Point presentation yesterday for Sunday's sermon. I'm so glad I had to type this out, because it made me slow down and really think about it...and it's awesome! The Heidelberg Catechism question #1 and #2. I've recited this a thousand times on Sunday mornings, but it happens so fast that it's hard to sink your teeth into. Reading it and taking it in is just an amazing way to start the day.


What is your only comfort in life and in death? 
That I am not my own, but belong body and soul, in life and in death to my faithful Savior, Jesus Christ. Christ has fully paid for all my sins with his precious blood, and has set me free from all the power of the devil. He also watches over me in such a way that not a hair can fall from my head without the will of my Father in heaven; in fact, all things must work together for my salvation. Because I belong to him, Christ, by his Holy Spirit, assures me of eternal life and makes me wholeheartedly willing and ready from now on to live for him.

What must you know to live and die in the joy of this comfort?
Three things: first, how great my sin and misery are; second, how I am set free from all my sins and misery; third, how I am to thank God for such redemption.

The fact that not a hair can fall from our heads unless it is the will of the Father and that in every act there is a focused purpose of those events working together for our salvation sounds amazing...until I'm honest. This truthfully makes me nervous since really I just want it to say that he will make everything turn out the way I want and be comfortable and easy in this life. Why is my heart and mind so fascinated with ease, self and comfort?!  The Bible states that my true comfort is knowing these truths about myself and God. Firstly, how great my sin is, and secondly, how much I have been set free in Christ from it. This is the only way to experience true joy and comfort whether I am very much alive, or feeling like death.

do i trust in the one who has adopted me?

I saw the movie, "The Kite Runner", for the first time tonight. A heartbreaking but redemptive story about a man who goes back to his home country of Afghanistan to rescue his young nephew from slavery and horrific abuse. The little boy is brought back to California with him to a new family, a new life and and instant love and acceptance. As the movie ends he is still very apprehensive about trusting or believing that he will never have to go back to his old life. You can see it so clearly in his eyes. I just kept thinking about how for most of my life as a Christian I have been that boy. Distrusting of my Heavenly Father's love and care for me. Watching the movie I just wanted to somehow let the boy know that he was going to be okay, that he would heal from his abuse and that he would experience such an amazing new life, with so much freedom and joy--if he would just take hold of it.

For we are no longer slaves again to fear, but we are now sons who cry Abba Father. I want to recognize my place as an adopted daughter into the family of God with no fear that God will ever change his mind about me and with no lack of trust in God's perfect love and specific care. Why can I not? Lord I believe, help my unbelief. I need to be reminded of this truth constantly.

Another picture of this came yesterday evening at the airport where I was able to witness the homecoming of a family in my church who just brought back their first adopted child from Uganda. They have two other children and now little Charles Tucker makes three. Watching him enveloped in a sea of white adult faces and kids of all ages with their sticky, sweaty hands patting and rubbing him was overwhelming I'm sure. But to see the joy of his new family was the sweetest part. The delight of being together and making themselves more complete with him there was so moving. There is no hesitation in their eyes, no reconsidering, it is pure delight and love. Adoption is such a profound act of sheer mercy and grace. I'm thankful for this family and the sharing of God's work in and through their lives so that I have another tangible reminder of God's adopting love. Their blog is Love That Passes Knowledge.

is walter henegar reading my mail?

A few posts ago I decided to test God's promises in the area of resurrecting his joy in my life. Today's sermon was strangely close to that topic...ok, WAS the topic. I honestly wanted to stand up and ask if Walter, our pastor at Westside, was reading my mail?  He was contrasting just after the birth of Jesus, the troubled, unsettled and distressed life of King Herod with the great delight, joy and clear conscience freedom of the Wise Men.
I always appreciate so much a sermon that puts me back in a place of examination of the true state of my own heart, not in a place of " be better and be like the Wise men". I know good and well that philosophy doesn't work because as I'm heading out the church door, I've already forgotten my resolution. However, the reminder that as a Christian I am still living with traces of BOTH these characters in my heart, and will continue to struggle and be somewhere on the spectrum between them; and by God's grace, will grow to be more of one and less of the other in my lifetime. This is refreshing. This causes me to want to be honest about the real me, and the Herod within. So often I can't even see that I am a Herod, much less lay my selfishness before God. I am amazed by God's conviction and timing in my life. As I've mentioned before, I've recently been so joyless and ungrateful. The worst part is that I haven't even seen that about myself at all. I don't know what happened but several days ago I started seeing it. This had to be God. Through conversations with a few close friends, my brother and through this sermon, I am beginning to be melted and see some of these areas of sin. How have I been so blind?  I am constantly focused on my plan for my life, my image before others, not on God, the only one worthy of my worship. All I have to do is acknowledge this to the true King Jesus, and take hold of him once again. There is no new method, I keep forgetting that. Simply put it is repentance and faith. Repentance and faith which leads us back.

i never tire of these lyrics

O Holy Night! The stars are brightly shining,

It is the night of the dear Saviour's birth. 

Long lay the world in sin and error pining. 
Till He appeared and the Spirit felt its worth. 
A thrill of hope the weary world rejoices,
For yonder breaks a new and glorious morn.
Fall on your knees! Oh, hear the angel voices!
O night divine, the night when Christ was born; 
O night, O Holy Night , O night divine! 
O night, O Holy Night , O night divine! 

Led by the light of faith serenely beaming, 
With glowing hearts by His cradle we stand. 
O'er the world a star is sweetly gleaming, 
Now come the wisemen from out of the Orient land. 
The King of kings lay thus lowly manger; 
In all our trials born to be our friend.
He knows our need, our weakness is no stranger,
Behold your King! Before him lowly bend! 
Behold your King! Before him lowly bend! 

Truly He taught us to love one another, 
His law is love and His gospel is peace. 
Chains he shall break, for the slave is our brother. 
And in his name all oppression shall cease. 
Sweet hymns of joy in grateful chorus raise we, 
With all our hearts we praise His holy name. 
Christ is the Lord! Then ever, ever praise we,
His power and glory ever more proclaim! 
His power and glory ever more proclaim!

true joy

Yesterday, I had a wonderful conversation with a sibling about the concept of "joy" in the life of a Christian. Seemed perfect this time of year since it's not a word in short supply. But living life out of true joy, I believe, is. I think I realized through the course of our discussion, that my own life has been mostly devoid of any joy for several years now. I don't know the reason explicitly, but I know that disappointment with remaining single, lack of direction for my career, relational pains, and an overall thankless heart have played their parts.   He was recalling the story of someone he knew whose life was dramatically changed as they were freed up by God from some personal issues where their literal countenance changed. They now seem to be a different person as a result of that freedom and they have a true joy that radiates out of their life and spills over to others. They are free to be themselves and to just enjoy life and people in a more authentic way.  I really want that true joy in my own life. I truly do not want to live based on the circumstances going on in my life, up when things are up and down when things aren't going my way;  but based on that deeper, abiding sense of God's unmanageably massive love for me, presence and power in my life which propels me out to others and creates a genuine rest within. I know this is possible and freely offered in the gospel, the good news of Christ's sacrifice on the cross for me, and I have only to take of it. That's the hardest part. Letting hands go free of the things that I want to take (which are cheap substitutes that lure me in and then suck me dry, or leave me needing more but delivering a deeper emptiness). Instead I want to take of this fruit, this strength, this life-- joy. I am beginning to pray more regularly for this to be true of my life and want to record that somewhere. It is scary to openly trust the Lord for something new and to tell others. What if he doesn't deliver? What if I'm a failure and nothing changes? I think that's just the ticket. I will fail. God might not "deliver" in human terms. His ways can't be contained, so I'm going to stop trying to contain him and ask him to answer me in his way and in his time. I'm going to ask him for a true joy in himself alone to emerge.

"If you abide in me and my words abide in you, ask whatever you wish and it will be done for you. By this my Father is glorified, that you bear much fruit and so prove to be my disciples. As the Father has loved me, so I have loved you Abide in my love. If you keep my commandments you will abide in my love, just as I have kept my Father's commandments and abide in his love. These things I have spoke to you, that my joy may be in you, and that your joy may be full." john 15:7-11


I returned home from a family gathering this afternoon and opened up a card that came in the mail. It was beautiful and the first card I have received all season long that didn't have anyone's picture on the front. :)

angle tree twist

Today I delivered some Angel Tree gifts to a grandmother who did not look like your average granny. She raises three children in the inner city because their father is in prison. She is 60 years old, looks 45, and had a black knit cap pulled down tight over her short hair with reading glasses on. She was super feisty and after a good hour of chatting told me she would have grabbed the Christmas loot & shoved me out the door right away if she hadn't gotten a good vibe from me. She also mentioned something about her pistol....um, wait...she actually mentioned a pistol 4 or 5 times altogether while I was there. She fought against the State of GA to get her grandchildren out of the foster care system, where there was much abuse going on, for three years and finally after a personal email to Governor Perdue, she was able to get them back. It has been a rough road for them, but she is a stable and loving influence in their lives. The house had a fresh tree decorated in the corner, and I carefully placed each package under it. Two gifts per child. I'm sure that's the most they will be getting. She was baking sweet Gingerbread cookies with half raisins for eyes and the kids were begging for her to make a homemade Gingerbread house. She told them that was too much and they were sad. BUT! For some reason this morning I decided to stop and look for a Gingerbread house kit to bring along, so when she mentioned it....Voila! She enthusiastically decided to hide it from them until Christmas Eve and bring it out as a special surprise.

God has a way of making something out of what seems like nothing.  It has been and is still a very hard season in my life. It has brought me to an incredibly honest place in my relationship with the Lord, and with people. I have never experienced such a moment by moment need for God's strength and joy to get through the day. This has made my conversations with people much more honest as well. So driving to this lady's home today I didn't even pray before I went in, I didn't even think about how to strategically share the gospel with her, or what kind of questions to ask, I honestly felt like I had nothing to give, so why was I even doing this?

I planned to be in and out in 20 minutes or less. That was my honest heart about the whole delivery situation. We ended up talking for several hours as I listened to her tell me a little bit more in detail about her life and how hard it has been and nodded my head in sympathetic agreement that I understood.. Our lives were not the same, but I understood the need to daily.....hourly......moment by moment... give my burdens back to the Lord. I understood, and am still learning how to cry out to God with a wordless groaning when it seems like there is no other way to express it. I understand that it is hard to continue to trust when nothing is changing and things seem hopeless. I understand wanting more of this life than it seems is possible.... Yes, yes and yes. I feel you.

She looked at me and said that she thought it might be good to find a place to worship with the kids and asked me what church I went to. She said it was because if a young, white girl with presents could come to her house and tell her that my life hard, imperfect and that I needed Jesus every moment, then she believed that the church I attended must be the kind of  place that was real and somewhere that she would want to go.
 I gave her the website and told her that they are all most welcome any time. I shook my head as I closed the door behind me and walked out. Here I am in one of the darkest seasons of my life that creates an opportunity for a mutual exchange about real, earthy struggles with someone who is so different than me, but really very much the same. One more proof to stop thinking about reaching out and loving people "when I'm better", or "when I have it together", or "when my heart is on fire for God". I'm thankful for this reminder today. Tomorrow I will need another, because that's just how slow I am to believe God. He is gracious and I know he will remind me again that he works all things together for good. Even Angel Tree deliveries.