what's wrong with settling?

I just found out that the home I'm living in will be foreclosed upon on June 7th, that's a lengthy 3 weeks from tomorrow. This is actually a familiar story for me as just two years ago the house that I was living in was in the same situation. Luckily, we all found places to go and it wasn't that bad. This time around it feels like a cruel joke in the midst of my uncertainty about full time work which has been dragging on for a good 9 months now. This morning while angrily emptying the dishwasher and dropping a few choice words throughout my thought process, it dawned on me--I am desperately seeking to be settled. That is my greatest desire right now, and it has reached idol status in my heart. I feel like it is a right, and most people would happily agree that it isn't a bad thing to want, wouldn't they? But then I started thinking about Jesus. Was he ever settled? Did he have a stable place to call home? I'm pretty sure the Bible says he had no place to lay his head. Is being settled the highest value, or even a value at all in God's Kingdom? I guess not, so now I feel guilty. If this is where I stop then I'm just going to be a miserably guilty Christian who doesn't believe the gospel at all. It will not inform reality and I will probably just move on carrying low grade bitterness and doing other things to numb my feelings and still won't be getting to the real issue. Turning my heart and its worship back toward Christ. I need to confess before God my idolatrous heart's desires and my desire to love the gifts and not the giver, and to seek out ways to hear, know and believe the satisfaction possible in his voice when he calls; and to believe the truth that where he leads is to an abundant life in himself, even when it feels unsettling. 

"The sheep hear his voice and he calls his own sheep by name..the sheep follow him, for they know his voice. I cam that they may have life and have it abundantly. I am the good shepherd. The good shepherd lays down his life for the sheep". John 10: 3,4,10-11

camera dump

I was inspired by the back wall of a DIY bookshelf over at Growing Home, and decided that the final wall of the church office needed a dressed up bulletin board. This is what I've been looking at for a couple of months and can't take it much longer.

 I really enjoy starting projects, but I don't like finishing them. Once it's 95% done, I'm ready to move on. The office started out something like this below. All men working there, you get the idea.

I honestly did find a half eaten Twinkie still in the wrapper inside a filing cabinet drawer. It was hidden in the back behind some empty folders. There's now a waiting area for people who stop by and the lighting is softer (lost the photos which were on my phone, so I'll have to add some later). I'm still hoping to do something fun with the bulletin board though. I also thought about changing out the flower picture in the kitchen with a piece of more cheerful fabric in a modern pattern. The kitchen is all white and so the flowers don't do much for it in terms of "pop".

The kitchen is NEWLY all white I should say. We had an Almond colored refrigerator from 1970 for two years, that made a sound like the house was going to blow, for about 1 minute every week. It froze everything on the bottom two shelves which ruined all the produce, so we just upgraded to a truly white version, possibly 1990, compliments of Craig's List. $250 total including delivery, removal of the old, hook up of the new and a 90 day warranty. We're excited.

Mother's Day was especially fun this year, knowing that MAD (Mom and Dad) would be leaving for England right after to see my brother and sister-in-law who are living there. We are very low key with holidays and they always include a meal, a photo of us in front of the same fireplace or tree, and plenty of laughter. My middle brother is usually running late and calling to say "he's 10 minutes away". Translated: He just woke up from a nap and forgot it was *insert important holiday*.

Typical relaxing afternoon together. I would say the shoes were kicked off, but that is possibly my late brother  who forgot to wear shoes at all (late as in still alive, just not punctual). Jake, the dog my parents have now inherited from my youngest brother, is interested in the camera; whereas Charlie is more emo and pondering his looming haircut.

And with good reason. His self esteem takes a beating for about a month. Now I love my dog, but I'm just not that keen on treating him like a human. There's a dog daycare in the area called "Pets Are People Too"...really, people?

By the way, I realize that none of these photos are very good. However, I have decided that I'd rather capture the memories than not post them, and it's also practical help towards creating a blog about reality. We don't always look good, and that's just life. Since purchasing my first SLR camera last summer, I have been excited about getting into one of Kate Byar's photography classes, but every time I go to her site to register for one, they're all booked. She's an amazing photographer and I'm so happy to see that she has found work that she loves and is passionate about. Very inspiring. 

What's even crazier is that she recently did a photo shoot for one of my college friends with her sweet baby Nicolas. I didn't even know she had hired Kate until I received a precious baby announcement in the mail with "Kate Byars Photography" printed on back. They're great pictures not only of the baby but also of the amazing nursery! Well done and congratulations Julie and Nic!

easter-ling

Easter in front of my parents house, with our good friend Bev who entertained us with hilarious stories about her students and ....who was also just written up in the AJC yesterday. She's an amazing teacher but never tells anyone about her awards. Sorry B, secret's out to the two people who read this blog! :) She was also awarded Class Act Teacher in January and was featured on 11 Alive news.

waiting

I have found it amazingly refreshing to sit in a place of pure honesty before God and others when life is cloudy, hard and I just can't make sense of anything happening to me. I have a desperate need to understand it all, and to explain it all to others, but why? So I can justify myself and functionally wipe out all that God has done to justify me once and for all, through Christ? Yes, pretty much. Well, there is grace for that too. And does God simply want to make us "blind from birth" (or insert your particular suffering) so that he will be seen as big "so that the works of God might be displayed in us", and we will just be miserable, pathetic creatures? No. Our faith gradually becomes more mature through sufferings, we know Christ more deeply as we share in his sufferings, we love others more genuinely when we have suffered, we have conversations that are honest and real with our friends and family members, we recognize and long more truly for the world to work properly again when Christ returns to right all that is wrong, and to bring us back to perfect harmony with himself, each other and with our world. Now, that might be a stretch to think through completely on the average morning, but it is a redemptive view of suffering that with God's help, we can grow to see glimpses of. I am just beginning to see these glimpses in my life. Ask the people around you. Often they can see them before you can. 

waiting

This has been such a long season of waiting for me. Waiting for career direction, waiting for real estate client's homes to sell, waiting for the right home to purchase, waiting for the right guy, waiting for the man to deliver our refrigerator, waiting, waiting. I have come to stand on the edge of the abyss in many ways, to the place of "I can't wait any longer, not one more day, why isn't God showing up to give me some clear answers?" and then another day goes by. I found an email that I wrote to several family members in March of 2009, where I know I was at least 6 months in to the place of desperation and asking for their prayers. And now, here I am, two years later, with few answers and more questions. I've gone through many stages and still continue to waver in my faith often and question God's goodness. My youngest brother Philip reminded me last night of the Pharisees asking Jesus if a certain man was born blind because he or his parents sinned? and Jesus reply was, "neither, but that the works of God may be displayed in him". I am slowly praying that God's power and works would be displayed in my life no matter what may happen in my circumstances. I'm so thankful to have such a wonderful family. 


"Whenever Moses held up his hand, Israel prevailed, and whenever he lowered his hand, Amalek prevailed. But Moses’ hands grew weary, so they took a stone and put it under him, and he sat on it, while Aaron and Hur held up his hands, one on one side, and the other on the other side. So his hands were steady until the going down of the sun. And Joshua overwhelmed Amalek and his people with the sword." Exodus 17:11-13

i am the shoe, and God is me?

I live in a city. People here love owning dogs, myself included. We also have small yards in which they do their bidding business. It's not like they can just run around on the farm and find a spot in the yonder wood. This afternoon I came home to let the dog out and ran up the back steps to find a ball. It has rained a good bit this week and is sort of warm and damp on the ground. The exact melting point of, you know, doo doo. I never looked down until it was too late. Eeeeeeeeccckkk!

So, why the post? As I was wiping the bottom of my shoe, which happened to be a Dansko with tons and tons of tiny little cracks and deep crevices, it just seemed to get worse! 6 Clorox wipes later, no change, just a really foul smell. I was wondering if this is somewhat of the way the remnants of my sinful nature seem to God?  Ever so slowly, with what seems like little progress along the way and plenty of nastiness that comes with it, he is working to remove sin and ungodly desires from my life, to change the thoughts and motives of my heart and working to make me more like himself. This morning I was reading a chapter in an amazing book by Paul Tripp & Tim Lane called, "How People Change". The truth that we generally minimize our own sinfulness and maximize everyone else's has a sting to it. My knee jerk response of, "not true", proves the point even more. "Self-righteousness is our own personal defense attorney. We wrap our robes of self-righteousness around us and rise to our own defense." Only when I accept and believe and see my true smelling state, does the gospel become good news for me. The grace, reconciliation, mercy, power, restoration, forgiveness, patience and hope of the gospel are for me.


The culprit

a third grader's career advice

This is a real list, written for me by one of my 3rd grade friends from church. Probably a genius in the making.

 I gave him a glossary of careers that someone let me borrow, and asked him if he could come up with any that weren't in the book for me to consider. I told him I'd give him $5 if he could think of something. Looks like my tab is running up. I actually did need a dictionary for a few also. Among my favorites...Tinker, Cheese Porter, Gondolier and Plough Boy.

the job search monologues

I've been hitting the job search, career path, next opportunity trail... or whatever you want to call it, for about 9 months now. And really, have been trying to make a career transition for 2 1/2 years! I prefer to call it a confusing web of advice, opinions, unsolicited thoughts, stupid comments and the occasional nugget of soundness. Actually, I wouldn't really know if it the nuggets are sound advice either, those just haven't been contradicted yet. Since my journey has begun, here are a few things I've learned, starting with career counselors: "...so you really just want to get married right, isn't that why you don't know what you want to do? If that's the case why don't you put on a bikini and go to the (insert large church with thousands of singles) beach retreat?" Problem solved. I also had someone tell me that my resume needed work, so 40 hours later of having another professional help me, a second career counselor told me it was "too good", and "too entrepreneurial" and that no company would hire me because they'd be afraid I'd leave to start my own business. Problem. Last recruiter told me it needed a good bit of work and about $3,000.

Next we have the "elevator speech", you know, the 30 seconds or less description of yourself and what you are looking for which you offer at weekly round table groups to people who seem as enthusiastic about being there as watching paint dry. I've been told to summarize my accomplishments, I've been told to tell them nothing about myself and only what I can do for them. I've watched You Tube videos of people delivering their versions of a perfect speech and right before they get to the meat, it cuts off and they ask you for 4 payments of $299.99!

I'll admit, my elevator speech needs work, I know that. I don't know what I'm looking for and therefore it usually comes out something like, " Hi, I'm Hannah, I've been in sales for 7 years and before that I lived overseas and worked for a non-profit organization and well...um....I'm not really sure what is next for me but I'm...well... happy to, er be here? (nervous laugh)"

Now insert here the day last week when I expected the watching paint dry people and a skinny as a rail, sharp featured table leader (who was an excellent time keeper) to be nice. She kept us all to exactly 4 minutes and when I wrapped up she said, "That was horrible! That was the worst thing I've ever heard! A prospective employer is going to chew you up and spit you out! And what does it mean to be a "people-person" anyway? That means nothing, we all work with people unless we're meter readers. You're an absolute mess."  And then she went on to the next person. I tried to keep it together and glance around to see what the other 7 women were doing with their faces. I saw a few awkward glances and pity-filled smiles and just tried to keep it together. When it was all over, I went straight to the bathroom and cried. I'm pretty sure it was because she was right. I still have no idea what I'm going to do, or what I really want to do and no one can really help me until I figure that out. I'm waiting for a clue to fall from the sky. Is that bad? Next, a sweet, sweet woman who had been the leader of my group the week before, walked into the bathroom, almost on cue. She told me to come to her break out group, which was Telecommunications, even though I had no experience or interest in the industry. With bulging eyes and a pink trench coat on I followed her to a conference table full of  45-60 year old, mostly white men, all C level executive types, looking to do some serious elevator speeches (uh oh) and some serious networking. They all had Venti Starbucks and tiny smart phones up on the table in front of them and looked like vultures waiting to swoop in on any morsel of a lead thrown out--their time was not to be wasted. I sat in fear and silence as they went around the table and discussed their successes from the previous week, their plans for next week, how many appointments they'd had...and then out of Ms. Barbara's mouth came (in a jovial airport attendant from Planes, Trains and Automobile's voice), "hi fellas, we have a guest today...the morning session was pretty rough on her so let's be nice"...you could hear the eyes rolling and the mental comments, "isn't there a Gap or something where you could work...?" I had no choice but to deliver my failed morning speech.

All in all, it wasn't horrible, but it wasn't good either. The men actually ended up being a bit more compassionate than the women. It was a tough week but I had a good friend remind me that the definition of anxiety is really just imagining a future without God...and that was a convicting and also hopeful reminder. I do imagine my future without God often and yet because I belong to him, that is never going to be! Praise God for that and in that hope of finding him in the future is where I am placing my trust for today.

interior design: test your skills

My friend Kellie (who lives in Asia--where decorating is an entirely different animal) sent me two photos and some questions about a new mirror that she received for Christmas. Which way to hang it? At what height? Any other thoughts related to this design dilemma? I answered but let's test your skills and then I'll tell you what I said.

what color IS my parachute?

If you're not familiar with this book, 9 million other people are, so I'm not sure where you and I have been hiding out. I have tried to read this practical manual for job hunters and career changers, but I'm still hunting and changing. It's a very large book of complex exercises with confusing diagrams, calculations to compile and a giant flower in the middle with lots of petals that are all supposed to represent different things. The drawing used to be a parachute but they changed the design as the book has been reprinted almost every year since 1970.

I still don't have any answers as to what color my parachute is, but after radio silence on the blog for a month, figured it was time to say something. I've been doing a whole lot of thinking about what I like, how I spend my free time, what bogs me down (taxes and recipes with more than 5 ingredients for example...) what energizes and puts an instant smile on my face and creates a higher pitch to my voice. My good friends have always told me that I talk with a higher pitch when I'm talking about something exciting or something that I love, so I figure that's a good place to start. Then last night I had dinner with some friends who told me about a NY Times article they had just read. I loved it! I couldn't agree more with this woman's thinking. "Your receptacles are the death of you", and on baby toys that people keep just "in case" someone comes over with a small child she says, "you're not running a day care center here". Ha Ha. So true Barbara. She might have been a little bit harsh in some areas, but in general she is freeing people's minds by helping them to declutter. I'm all for it. I want this job! 

Abandon All Nostalgia. The Organizer Is Coming Over. -N.Y. Times 

Then, I came home and through a series of random You Tube searches--dangerous-- found myself mesmerized for several hours at the behind the scenes production details of the recent movie, "Black Swan". I want this job too!  Is it so crazy to think that I could go back to school for this kind of work? It sounds crazy to me. But even watching the videos makes my thoughts high pitched. There is something here for me to continue to explore.